I don't know if I will go outside today.

I have been in a funk my friends. It started out with the craziness at the high school. After subbing there for two days, I had a student come to my classroom and ask if I was going to sub again tomorrow. I informed her that they had another sub coming tomorrow. She responded by saying it was too bad. She said she really liked having me as a sub and that I was very good at what I do.

That night I went home and I was grumpy and I cried for a full hour. I know, who responds like that when someone says somethings so sweet to you? I think I was just mad that I was a sub and not a full time teacher. It sounds very self centered of me, I know, but this girl had really had such a hard time in life. The past two days she spent time just talking to me about her problems and just venting. Even though we really weren't on topic, I think she just needed to vent. When I went home, I was mad that I am only a sub. I wished I could be there everyday. Would I be able to help this girl if I was there everyday? I don't know. But at least I would have a better shot at it. Being a sub sometimes leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You walk into situations that you want to fix but you know you can't because you are only there for a few hours.

My funk has been added to thanks to my grandma's assisted living center. For those of you who don't know my grandma is recovering from a broken hip (again.) After returning home from rehab my grandma slumped over and was unresponsive. They had to give her CPR and admit her into the hospital. Turns out grandma was dehydrated. Well the director of the assisted living center complained to my mom about how they had to give grandma CPR since she didn't have a living will. Translation: If you have a living will for your mother, we will let her die of dehydration. Why would we want to get her a living will?! Then to put the cherry on top, the director said she was kicking my grandma out. (Oh! We found out her room has been rented out to someone already and they are just waiting for us to move grandma's things. Isn't that interesting?) When my grandma found out she cried.

Top this off, my mom is dealing with this horrible director while having to go to the hospital twice a day to receive an IV for her leg issues. Not a good week for my mom.

Finally I have this nagging feeling like I did last year. I feel as though getting hired here is going to be impossible. No idea why I've been feeling this way. I'm told by other teachers, principals, and students that they think I'm a great teacher. It's just a feeling deep in my stomach that says, "If your so great, why don't you have a full time job?" Then I catch myself arguing with the voice (I must be losing it!) Me: "Voice, I just have to network. Show people what I'm made of!" Voice: "Haven't we been doing that? You have amazing references and a great resume. Shouldn't you have been hired by now?" Me: "No. It's a really competitive area. People have been waiting longer than me and aren't you just a voice. What would you know?" Voice: "I might be a voice but at least I'm gainfully employed as a voice. Now take the ring from Frodo Baggins!" Me: "Wait. What?" Voice: "I mean get a job as a nursing home cook!" Me: "NOOOO!!!"

Yeah. I'm losing it. Sigh. I think I'll drink some more coffee, clean something, and then read more Terry Pratchett. I love his books. Hope all is well with you dear readers! Oh and don't worry about me. I'll pluck myself up. The voice will not win and my grandma will feel safer in her new home (no one there will pray she dies!) Later!